ThisNext Blog

It’s the fifteenth time I’ve heard this awful phrase and it always signals a herd of bachelors/frat boys spilling out of the elevator, eager to meet the ladies of the night. A gigantic man with a keg-style beer can walks past me in khaki shorts with his sticky children and scowling wife in tow. Yes bitch, get a good look. I’m here to steal your husband - the enormous sweaty spouse who you’ve so lovingly dressed in that delectable faded Hawaiian shirt. Son of a beach you are a big juicy man.

She elbows my chair despite the fact that the casino hall has a full berth of at least 25 feet on either side. She does it to remind me I’m on her turf, this planet of blinking lights, 24-hour hotdog stands and dank cigar smoke. Where the hell is Frank Sinatra?

The people of Excalibur hate me. My Asian-Canadian-ness might as well be Iraqi. I’m so obviously un-American that I’m a threat to their ability to eat ribs at the all-you-can-eat buffet. A woman from Senegal sells XXXL shirts with the slogan, “Wanna Joust?” written across the chest and I can’t figure out what time it is right now, but apparently it’s orange o’clock.

I’m in Vegas for a convention. We are stationed across from a template website maker, Cadillac’s Biggie Smalls-style Escalade and a Marilyn Monroe impersonator. I am not shitting you. In the last 72 hours I’ve eaten a muffin and a $12 plate of melon slices. Vegas gives me indigestion and I am beginning to understand why Nicholas Cage decided to drink himself to death in that movie. It’s so easy. They are practically asking you to do it.

I visited the booth of a charity dedicated to heart disease and felt sorry for them. It was so strange to see them there with their tiny red brooches and their elegantly designed brochures. It’s like giving out bacon bits samples on Yom Kippur. Las Vegas and diabetes are BFFs.

THE BEST PARTS OF VEGAS

• Free airport wifi: Unlike San Francisco with its crappy rip-off T-Mobile hotspots, Las Vegas has free wireless in the airport. If you sit right next to your gate you can avoid the slot machines and smell of Burger King. I took advantage of it by watching a couple of episodes of Six Feet Under.
• Starbucks at almost every casino: Although the Seattle coffee giants aren’t the best coffee I’ve ever had, it is a pleasure to avoid the diesel/Sanka-crap in the buffets. My morning lattes saved my ass and helped me put a smile on for my many tradeshow visitors.
• Post-Modernism Abounds: Where else are you going to see the worst parts of every major global destination? Ponder the legacy of animal poaching and hunting as you coo and caw at the castrated lions in MGM Grande’s glass holding tank. Lock lips with a fattish drunk stranger in Egypt. Enjoy the periodic waft of a thousand farts and reminisce about Manhattan’s last garbage strike. You my friend are the master of your destiny in this world of multiple worlds.
• It’s the ugliest place on earth: This fact alone makes it the best for people watching. Notice the many pregnant ladies hovering over the craps tables next to the smoking Texans. Revel in the kitsch of the prom dress clad Midwestern debutantes. Get in touch with your stupid as you suck on your dildo-shaped Stratosphere margarita and woof at the bevy of beauties at Coyote Ugly.

OK Fine. I like Vegas. I don’t gamble, I don’t like kids or people who don’t like me, but at the same time, when I get a couple of crappy free drinks in me, I am tacky on fire. I met a man today who was a motivational speaker and whose wife was wearing a perfectly normal dress with glass heels – just like Cinderella. I watched a drag queen blow on the dice of a ninety-nine-year-old man on an oxygen tank. I remember why I loved acid so much as a teenager. Vegas is weird and it doesn’t mean to be. San Francisco is weird and it insists upon itself.  I’ll feed the one armed bandit $40 just to get the Greco-Roman clad waitress to look my way. I’ll two-step with your Wrestlemania loving uncle to 50 cent.  I’ll Whack-a-Mole at Circus Circus with a mouth full of pretzel dog and enjoy it. Ah….VEGAS BABY!!! It’s so money.