Not to jump on the “Germany is weird” bandwagon, but Germany is a total freak show. As if you needed further proof: the Germany-based Vivaeros research lab team - as in, multiple people, presumably with serious science backgrounds and extensive training - has developed VULVA Original, an erotic fragrance that simulates the scent of…well…a woman. Their marketing materials are quick to assure you that VULVA is not a perfume. Instead, a man should brush the “irrestistable essence” lightly on the back of his hand and inhale - or, if you’re the man in the ad on their website, huff deeply with an expression of self-satisfaction and possible anger on your face, preferably while relaxing in a starkly decorated apartment next to some dazed-looking porn actresses.

The press materials don’t clarify what goes into VULVA - er - but promises that each vial is full of a “precious organic substance.” A tiny vials comes in a minimal black box with a rather vivid insignia, and is small enough to enjoy “anywhere, anytime”. Germans must be huffing the stuff on their daily commute, because the brand is so popular that it’s coming out with two new VULVA scents - VULVA Eighteen, in a virginal white box, and VULVA Exotic, in a brown box. They may be weirdos, but I’ll give them this; their campaign certainly has the cleverist and sketchiest use of the “.com” extension I’ve ever seen.

I’m sure your mamma doesn’t need another bottle of Liz Taylor’s licensed liquid cluttering her cluster of cosmetics, nor more No. 5.

Kenzo Kenzo’s Amour is pretty sure too, dolls.

Though I’m not sure how this bottled beauty scents, only I hear its notes hit “frangipani blossoms from Bali or Borobudur, cherry blossoms from Japan, Tanakha wood, incense, Thai rice steam, vanilla of La Réunion, white tea from China” (thank you, Sephora.com copywriter).

And while such Conde Nasty Traveler prose is poetic, it’s that the perfume is pretty plastic, it’s the how the bottle would vibe on your vanity that’s sold your K on selling this to you for a haute Mamma’s Day.

All sleeky chic, your ma will love it.

Clean lines are so much easier to dust. 

Get your gym body all hot and bothered as you get your spring training on. You’re shaping your hourglass to be summer haute, you’re hustling hard, ladies, but—

But.

You ought to never stink of effort. 

And, so says fashion e-bible Style.com, your K ought not trade her years-long crush on Givenchy’s Organza for fast flirting with a scent by a certain American heiress.

This spring double-oh-seven, you and I ought to vibe fresh a la floral fragrance. Style.com’s five favs? Try…

...continued: Spring Training: Session Deux

“With the warmer months ‘round the corner it’s only fair that your fragrance collection as well as your wardrobe gets a spring clean,” says fashion blogette Michelle of  My Fashion Life. 

Sounds L7 to me, doll. I’m afraid Givenchy’s Organza is getting vain  on my vanity, accompanied by only a fragrance - hush, hush, honey - by a certain American heiress.  Not that we ladies really need -

“Any excuse!” says Michelle.  “Bryant Park is the new scent from Bond No. 9, and is made from rose-patchouli with a hint of pink pepper.”

Sounds spicy, like you. Go on, gorgeous.

...continued: A Fresh Bond No. 9 for Your Spring Double-Oh-Seven

I’m more a Kristopher than prissy Krissy when it comes to donning perfume, while I doll up daily fragrance is not always on my check list. Most days you’ll find me either smelling like a lady who’ll never wrinkle (SPF 45), an Organza (Givenchy), or an American heiress and tabloid cover girl (guess).

So until I bottle “Ooh la love,” I’m on the hunt for a signature scent, something a little different from the sea of celebrity fragrance department stores are swimming in.

...continued: Ooh La Love: Perfumes and Fragrance

So I dig the perfumes and the perfume blogs, but so often reviews of “rich undertones of … with a hint of … that wears away to a musky … ” leave me a little lost and stuck rocking America’s fav heiress’s fragrance.

And then I met the Perfume Critic - breezy and easy, the Perfume Critic notes the original date the perfume, gives you a brief review, and tags the scent as “Smells Like…”

Making perfumes easy and fun to discover, it’s like -

Yep.

The perfume blog version of ThisNext’s shopcast.

Blog On the Cusp is just that - it’s the blog for Cusp boutiques and it’s a blog on the cusp of fashion, digging up news on “the front lines of fashion and shopping trends” instead swimming in stale style.

And if they have an post about old Posh and Becks’ latest celeb scent, at least it’s honest:

“We’re not sure how it smells

- But anything with David Beckham’s photo on it is certainly worth a try.”

Ah, the sweet - and feminine and floral - smell of efficiency.

“This fragrance pen is designed for quick and easy application at home, or when you are on the go. Roll on applicator sealed with a spring to eliminate leaking.”

Another product that should make your life easier and lighter, brought to you by DeLush.

Says perfume blog Bois de Jasmin:

“As much as I like Parfums de Nicolaï fragrances, from the vanilla turned into sultry darkness that is SacreBleu to the warm mulled wine tartness of Pour Homme, I have to admit that a few pose a frustrating dilemma—they smell far better on paper than they do on skin. The issue is not so much a matter of body chemistry, but rather that the warmth of the skin accelerates their development, forcing evaporation to occur quicker than one would have wished.”

If it weren’t for bloggers, we’d end up just spritzing ourselves with Jessica Paris Simpon Hilton Lohan’s bottle of $50 scent.

And by “we,” I mean “me.”

Just how shopping isn’t only about buying, and fashion isn’t just what glossy mags dictate, perfume isn’t just about forking over lots of dollars for a bottle of liquid.

Says perfume blog The Scented Salamander in their review of Bond No. 9’s latest:

“Introduced just a fortnight ago in the middle of summertime, Fire Island, according to Bond, aims at ”…bottling the scent of bronzing” and beyond that of capturing the scent of happiness and of the relaxed mood commonly experienced during vacations sensually and leisurely spent on the beach with our bodies half-naked basking in the sun.”

We believe products are personal things, whether you actually have them custom-made for you or simply custom-tailor the product to your life.

And so does shopping blog Cheryl Shops:

“I love that, pre-Lovely, Sarah Jessica Parker wore Skin Musk by Bonne Bell. I, on the other hand, wore Dolce & Gabbana (the original, in the red bottle) for years, and while it didn’t appear to be very popular in Chicago, I moved here and started smelling it on women I passed on the street. Now, I realize that unless I get a custom-blended (and ridiculously expensive) scent, not ever smelling my perfume on someone else isn’t really an option. I will never “steal” another person’s perfume, especially if they’re a friend or someone I see on a regular basis, but if someone asks me what I’m wearing, I tell them, because, well, I’m not a very good liar. I rotate between two fragrances from same designer (I’ll give you a hint—he’s French), and so far, I haven’t had to give them up. I do have two back-ups in case that does happen, but it’s always good to have more.”

ThisNext knows fragrance isn’t something just bottled and branded with a starlette name. Like other products, fragrance can tell your personal story, or at least hint at it. Says Perfume-Smellin’ Things when reviewing Iris Silver Mist scent:

“… This accord reminds me of something I encountered in childhood. My grandparents’ dacha (country house) had raspberry bushes, and I loved nothing more than to stalk “the raspberry corner”, eating the berries right from the bush….Another creature favored the raspberries too; I am not sure what its Latin or English name is, but my grandparents called it “Stinker Bug”. A raspberry visited by that little green monster had a peculiar smell, somewhat repulsive and strangely appealing at the same time. It had a raw, earthy, vegetal smell and that is how the iris root paired with vetiver, cedar and a hint of incense in the beginning of Iris Silver Mist smells to my nose.”

When I’m looking for perfume, I usually don’t make it past one of my favorite scents branded with a starlette’s name (I won’t say who!), I don’t know my Chanel No. 5 from my Mademoiselle.

So until ThisNext’s shopcasting begins, perfume blog Perfume Posse is my perfect guide in a sea of scents, with its expert opinions on fragrances.

Along with an amazing recipe for chocolate cake.